ok.

OK.

OHKAYYYY.

Im not sure how to start this. or where its even gonna end up sooooo. here it goes: 

    my very first memory as a very young child. is beautiful actually. my father and i were in the yard he was mowing the grass and humming whatever was on the radio. i (being about 3) was trying to catch butterflies and was weaving in and out of the clean patterns he was making in the grass with the mower. i remember him stopping me by the rose bush and warning me that roses have thorns as he cut them all off carefully. he bent down by me, kissed the top of my head and handed me one immaculately white rose. i felt a sharp pain in my thumb and i looked at the flower feeling betrayed.he saw the rose drop to the ground and my crocodile tears began to really flow,he had somehow missed one. he felt guilty for forever. he bandaged my finger with a barney band-aid and tried to get me to laugh. which wasn't hard. 

    

   My father and i have always been close. i guess thats why this is so hard. he was a musician and was so thrilled to see me excel in piano and guitar and he was the one who took me to all my vocal lessons, the choir trips he was a total stage dad.  dont get me wrong i was still very close with my mom. she was the one that got shit done. she was the stay-at-home mom who had a clean and happy home, we ate dinner at the table, we had our homework done we were well kept and so was the house. my dad came home to a beautiful house that he had earned and everything was so harmonious. yeah they fought and when they fought it was like WW2 in that house but on peaceful nights it was like we were the bradys or the beaver

anyway, in high school i was considered "lucky" a lot of my friends would be in shock and awe if they found out my parents were still together. a lot of my friends liked coming over because of it. 

sometimes late at night i could hear them laughing at something on tv or id come home and my mom would have a huge bouquet from him on the front credenza.

so imagine me as an adult being told by my father that hes leaving my mother.

I now question every childhood memory,

and i have to look back in shame at the smoke and mirrors my father put up to fool us.

none of it was real.

and now

every relationship

every friendship 

and every damn emotion will be forever affected

because for me,

the magic of love,

the magic of music and the stupid, hopeless romanticism of my life now feels like a complete waste of time. ill never get that back again, but yet somehow i am asked to find a way to let go of this. none of this is fair, its life shattering that i am now asked to carry the burden of my fathers sins.

just one more thing i guess he couldn't protect me from. but this time instead of a prick to the finger, it feels more like a stab in the back.